Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Pandering Pentagram of Prognostication

This seems to be the year for ridiculing predictions, but I’m not jumping on that bandwagon.  I am here to help you get the most from the meaningless drivel you spew in the name of prediction (and more importantly, page views).  I have invented a brilliant methodology for measuring (because it is all about the metrics, isn’t it?) your drivel, and the drivel of others, in this most festive time of the year.  No, not the “Judeo-Christian-Pagan-Northern Hemisphere Damn it’s getting cold and dark Holiday season”, but the “I’m too sick of this crap to write anything meaningful, so I’ll just phone it in until next year” season.  (Admittedly there is some overlap).

With this altruistic goal in mind, I present you with the Pandering Pentagram of Prognostication.


The five points of the pentagram represent the key elements of “good” predictions, get them all and your prediction will land in the center of the pentagram, assuring a center brain shot to your victim.  I mean reader.  Whatever.

The five elements are outlined below, miss even one and your prediction may be off target and you will fail to hit your target.

Your prediction must be self-serving.

Your prediction must suck up to your customers, prospects, or others whose favor you are trying to win.

You must oversimplify complex issues to the point of nonsense.

Predictions must slight your competition.

And the big one, always play to Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt.

There you go, Jack’s Pandering Pentagram of Prognostication.  Use it wisely.